Thursday, August 20, 2009

Bitterness, Party of One

My life is not all cupcakes and roses, in fact rarely are those items even present in my life. Yes, I'm blessed with three healthy, hilarious and adorable boys. Yes, I have a wonderful husband who does way more work around the house and with the kids than it seems most husbands do. Yet even with those tremendous blessings I allow bitterness and discontentment to work it's way into my heart every now and then.

I'm bitter about driving 2 small cars, one of which is very old, when families with fewer kids (or even the same number of kids!) get to drive sweet minivans.

I'm bitter about not having a nice camera to take pictures of my kids with. Photography is something I am so interested in and yet I can only do so much with my little point and shoot and Photoshop. It kills me to hear of people with a nice DSLR sitting in their closest for months, still in the box because they just haven't gotten around to opening it. Kills me! (And yes, I heard someone say that.)

I'm bitter about wearing clothes on a regular basis that are 8-10 years old. Yes I have a few newer pieces but obviously not enough to prevent me from wearing old, holey clothes still. I only have a few things that are suitable for leaving the house in.

I'm bitter about constantly mopping pee off the floors and cleaning poop out of underwear. It's been almost 4 weeks now of potty training and I've had enough. Thankfully Chase is "done" and Jackson rarely has an accident but Tyler will probably be a long trainer like Jackson was, so it's depressing to think I probably have another week of mopping pee off the floor 6 times a day.

I'm bitter that Nick and I don't get to out alone very often.

I'm bitter when Nick gets to head off to work, complete meaningful tasks, have the satisfaction of completing those tasks and gets to engage in adult conversation.

I'm bitter that we live what seems to some people as "so far away" from the church and most of our friends. (It's only 10-15 minutes but when a variety of stores are only 5 minutes away I guess 10-15 is an obscene distance to travel.)

I'm bitter that I have to come up with something for dinner every single night. What I wouldn't give to just be able to have pizza delivered or say "let's just go out" once in a while!

Ugh. What a downer of a post. Let me try to bring some perspective to my life...

  • Last month we paid off the remainder of my student loan - 4 years early!
  • We're making headway on paying off Nick's student loan and when that's gone the only debt we'll have will be the house.
  • We have money in savings and don't need to freak out over dumping $850 into a car one week (which we did 3 weeks ago).
Because we don't have a texting plan, cable, a new car, a bigger house, eat out, order food in or have new clothes we don't have to stress about money like many people do. I guess I'd rather whine about not having those things once in a while than to whine about not having enough money to keep the bill collectors away.


Brenda said...

Big Giant HUGS to you!! You're an amazing mom, and while the boys may not be able to express it, the do appreciate it! This too shall pass.

We all have our pity parties, no matter our experiences, so you're entitled to them - just try not to dwell on it, and look at the good things.

And for the record, I agree coming up with dinner ideas is stressful!!

MamaOtwins+1 said...

Hence the reason we all blog, because we need days to vent and we have the right to vent - but I want to say how impressive it is to see someone else who doesn't have cable or texting or eat out (although we do splurge for pizza once in awhile)

Sarah said...

Helen - you have every right to vent. I'm just going to remind you that you are a great Mom. Would it make you feel better to know that I am jealous that you are able to stay at home with your boys while I'm gone from home most of the day for work and commuting....I know - the grass is always greener on the other side.

As for the camera - I've heard of people purchasing nice DSLR's at a discount b/c they were returned and fixed/repaired by the manufacturer. I'm not sure where you could look online but I just wanted to throw that out there.

Laura said...

I love my sister and I cannot imagine doing what you do. You amaze me. next time I'm there, please let me go and get the boys out of their cribs with poo's in their roo's! I don't have to do it everyday like you so I don't mind doing it once a week. next time i come over, i'm makig you CBZ!

Kesler Crew said...

I think you were speaking about my life also! I understand your need to vent...My husband and I were talking about our situation last night. Our "date nights" are far and few between, I don't remember the last time that I was able to eat at a normal time, and it seems that I always have an audience when I use the restroom. It's my life, I love it - but sometimes it would be nice to have a change.

Hugs to you from MS - you're doing a great job! :)

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you are having a down day. It happens to all of us and you certainly deserve to vent! But I would trade all the material things that I have for a biological child. So remember when you are down that you are still blessed in ways other people only dream about.

breckholladay said...

The boys will never remember not having any of the stuff BUT they WILL remember that their loving Mom was home for them day in and day out. Do you remember not having cable TV or an X box ? Do you remember having mac and cheese three times a week because it was four boxes for a dollar? I remember coming home from work to find your mom in tears. It gets way, way, way better as the years go by. Live like no one else today so that tomorrow you can live like no one else.

Anonymous said...

When I did daycare years ago I found myself a little down also. What I did is projects with the kids. They loved them and it also perked me up. My adult children still talk about the treasure hunts they went on. I pull them in the wagon with a box and if they spotted something on the ground we would put it in the box. (sometimes I would collect things and drop them on the ground without them knowing) They would look at their treasures for hours sometime. Also, I came across a web blog that does fun activity's with her child. website is I love the monday muffin tin ideal.

One more thing, order that pizza, the kids dont have to eat the same thing as you do so that way you could order a smaller size and still save a little bit of money.


Charlotte said...

This is my first comment on your blog... but I have been a keen reader for a while.

As you say, you have three beautiful boys and what seems to be a fantastic husband and that really is the most important thing. It's also amazing that you've paid off your student loans (haven't even started on mine!), what a relief it must be to you.

It may just be a case of the grass seeming greener on the other side. Just think, there will come a time in life when hopefully you can have all of those things that you desire now, when you will crave to be youthful at home with your lovely boys. There are also many many many people who won't be able to have triplets, or even kids in the future, so you should remember that. Since I have been a little girl I have dreamed of having identical triplets.

Don't feel even remotely guilty about moaning or offloading your emotions into a blog. I always think how upbeat you sound, even when you are describing the most unpleasant of things! From what I can tell you do a fantastic job, and just look forward to the future when you *won't* have to mop up pee or poop and you *will* have that car or camera!

Anonymous said...

When I read your posts on WW, and your blog I often wish we knew each other in real life! This post is another example. I love reading about all the stuff you do with your boys, and all the ways you save money. We are also a cable free, non-texting, 3 kids in the backseat of a car household! I totally understand the pity party. :)


Rachel said...

Hi Helly, I'm so sorry you've been having a downer day. I know that those come and go, but that what you guys are sacrificing is often tough to deal with and a bitter sacrifice at that. I just wanted to reaffirm a lot of what has been said above. You ARE a really amazing woman, a wonderful mother (very patient, kind and creative) and a good friend at that. I am very proud to have you as a friend and you don't know the impact you have on others. Really, I reference you and how incredibly well you do with your boys, finances, resources, and attitude often - and always in a positive light. I really wish that we were closer so we could trade off babysitting and hang out for good adult conversation!!! Keep in mind too that some of this may be hormones or tiredness playing into the mix too. I know that it often happens to me that way. I'm praying for you, my dear friend, and I'll try to send some of my easy recipes my way so you can add them into your rotation. Lots of hugs!!!!!! Rach

brossettelewis said...

How fitting that I read this today as I am having my own pitty party. I'm right there with you on the frill-less, PTing, non-adult stimulation lifestyle. Would it be so bad to not have to cut every dang corner, splurge on something just because I *want* it, have a FT (non contract) job for DH with ?!?!benefits?!?!, you know the list. But like you I am very blessed and have my needs, family, friends.

Sorry. I don't know if I wallowed with you or gained any perspective. :P I think I'm still grumpy.

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